Tips for Dealing With Family Conflict

upset women sitting on opposite sides of couch

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While family relationships can bring support, joy, and other wonderful benefits into our lives, these relationships can also bring stress, particularly when there's unresolved conflict. Because it's more difficult to let go of conflicted relationships with family than it would be if these relationships were mere friendships, unresolved conflicts with family members can be particularly painful.

We have certain expectations of trust and closeness toward family members. It can be more than merely disappointing to realize that this may not be possible with all family members.

At a Glance

Family gatherings can be a source of stress if you're dealing with unresolved family conflicts that create tension, anger, or arguments. Such conflicts are painful and can make it more difficult to trust.

If you are struggling with how to deal with such situations, focus on staying polite. Talking about the problem (calmly and respectfully) may help, but there are also times when you just have to forgive, forget, or even minimize how much time you spend around the other person.

Why Dealing With Family Conflict Is So Stressful

Unresolved family conflicts bring additional stress, particularly at family gatherings. Past unresolved conflicts can become the elephant in the room, felt by everyone but not directly addressed. This can be stressful for everyone before and during the family gatherings, sometimes leaving a lasting sense of stress afterward. 

Family is often a source of support but can also be a source of distress. Research has found that intrusive or controlling family relationships can lead to stress and resentment.

Family Conflict Interferes With Trust

Without a heartfelt discussion, an apology, or another form of resolution, the trust on both sides is compromised, and they may not know what to expect from this person in the future.

For example, the time your mother-in-law criticized your cooking may come up in your mind every time she visits, and others may sense your tension.

Reminders Can Still Hurt

This leads many people to assume the worst when they interpret each other's behavior rather than giving the benefit of the doubt like most of us do with people we trust. Also, references or reminders of past conflicts can sting and create new pain.

Once a conflict has gone on a while, even if both parties move on and remain polite, the feelings of pain and mistrust usually linger under the surface, and are difficult to resolve.

Bringing up old hurts to resolve them can often backfire. At the same time, avoiding the issue altogether but holding onto resentment can poison feelings in the present.

Coping With Conflict at Family Meetings

So what do you do at a family gathering when there's someone there with whom you've had an unresolved conflict? Just be polite.

Contrary to how many feel, a family gathering is not the time to rehash old conflicts, as such conversations often get messy before they get resolved—if they get resolved.

Be polite, redirect conversations into areas that may cause conflict, and try to avoid the person as much as possible.

Even if everyone else fails to follow this advice, if you are able to focus on handling your end of the conflict in a peaceful way, you can go a long way in minimizing battles at family gatherings and promoting peace.

You may be surprised by how much of a difference this can make in the overall feel of your family get-togethers and your personal feelings and stress level leading up to them. 

How to Deal With Family Conflict

In the future, you can take one of three paths.

Try to Resolve the Conflict

At a time when all the family isn't gathered, ask the person if they'd like to discuss and resolve what happened between you. If (and only if) you and the other person seem to want to resolve things and are open to seeing one another's point of view, this could be a constructive idea.

Seeing where each of you may have misunderstood the other or behaved in a way you would change if you could, offering sincere apologies, and in other ways resolving the conflict can heal the relationship for the future.

Forgive and Forget

If it looks like such a civil meeting of the minds is unlikely, don't push it. It's probably a good idea to try to forgive the other person and let it go.

Forgiving doesn't mean opening yourself up to feel wronged again; it only means that you let go of your feelings of resentment and anger.

Forgiving past hurts can be challenging, but research suggests it can play an important role in mental health. Research suggests it can reduce anxiety, depression, and stress.

You can be careful in what you expect from this person in the future without actively harboring resentment, and you'll be the one to benefit the most.

Minimize or Cut Off Contact

If what the other person did was abusive and there's absolutely no remorse or reason to expect things to be different in the future, you can severely limit your dealings with this person or cut off contact altogether.

This is typically a last-resort choice, but in cases of abuse, it's sometimes a necessary one to make for your own emotional health.

Cutting off contact with a family member can be tough, but sometimes it's necessary. Research has shown that for many, it can be the right choice. In one study, 80% of those who had ended a relationship with a family member said that the decision positively affected their life and well-being.

What This Means For You

Dealing with family conflict can create stress, especially if unresolved issues come up during family gatherings. Be polite in family meetings, but maintain your boundaries. Talking it out might help, or you might opt to move on or cut them out of your life. The key is to manage the situation in a way that doesn't produce unnecessary stress, conflict, and additional hurt.

5 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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By Elizabeth Scott, PhD
Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.