In it, Elizabeth discusses the pain of these situations, plus the even more heartbreaking details of her oldest son's death several years ago, in ways that bring tears to my eyes. But she also shows tremendous strength, poise and grace throughout it all. (There are those who argue that the whole book and tour are a spite-filled scheme for revenge toward her husband and the other woman, but I disagree; I believe her explanation that she was already slated to write a book, and thought she would be considered dishonest if she didn't devote at least a small part to the truth of her husband's infidelity. And it is a small part that's devoted to the details, but it carries a large impact.)
To me, though, more interesting than the personal details of her experience of what she faced were the details of how she was able to cope. Some of what stood out for me:
Acceptance
One significant point that Elizabeth makes several times in the book and in interviews is that, while the life she has is not the life she expected, accepting the new reality of here situation is what enabled her to move forward. This is such a difficult thing to do, for most of us. In fact, denial is the first step of the grieving process referred to as 'DABDA' (comprised of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally acceptance). However, if we stay in a place where we cannot accept what's happened to us, we're somewhat doomed to dwell on the injustice of it all, the pain of what was lost, endless unfavorable comparisons of what we have to what we 'should' have. All of these things bring additional stress. By accepting where we are, we're able to take stock of all that we do still have for which we can feel grateful, and move forward with our lives.Read More About Gratitude
Forgiveness
It's been said many times before, and I'll say it again here: forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for the one who forgives. Holding anger and resentment toward another person does much more physical and emotional damage to the injured party than to the object of the anger and resentment. Unreleased resentment can take a serious toll on health, and obscure life with a heavy cloud of sadness. While Elizabeth's forgiveness of her husband faced a major setback when it was learned that the lies and infidelity were much deeper than she had been led to believe (and likely continued long after she had begun the arduous process of forgiveness the first time!), she continues to work on forgiveness, releasing anger, and working toward healing. I have a feeling that she's doing this for herself and for her children rather than for her unfaithful husband; but that's okay.Read More About Forgiveness
Some Measure Of Denial
I found it interesting (and I could tell that Oprah did, too) when Elizabeth seemed unconcerned and uninterested in whether or not her husband may have fathered the child of his former mistress--a child that looks strikingly like him. She basically said that she didn't know, and didn't care, whether or not the baby was his. This didn't seem very 'emotionally aware' to me. But her explanation of this bit of denial did. Basically, she said that part of resilience is not making yourself miserable over something that doesn't matter. While I disagree about whether or not it matters if this child is John's, I do agree that limiting the scope of what we allow ourselves to worry over--containing our stress and anxiety and worry to only those issues that will affect our lives--can be an effective stress relief strategy. Rumination can negatively impact your health, and anxiety is only your friend to the extent that it motivates you to take real action to avoid potential danger; obsessing over things that you can't change, or ruminating over things that ultimately don't greatly impact your life, can be a wasted effort that brings needless stress.Read About Letting Go.
What helps you stay strong in the face of major change and crisis? Scroll down to share your thoughts, and to find more resources on building personal resilience.
