Apologies and Forgiveness

As I see reports of David Letterman apologizing to his wife and the rest of his staff about the affairs that he had that have recently been made public after he was the victim of an extortion scheme, I find myself thinking of the long line of other public people who have recently made public apologies: Jon Gosselin, Kanye West, and Mark Sanford, are the ones who readily come to mind, but lately it seems that there's a scandal a week, with apologies quickly following--some more sincere than others.

This brings up an important point regarding conflict resolution and relationship stress: apologies matter. If someone wrongs you, and then gives you a lame, half-hearted apology, don't you often feel even more angry and hurt? (I know I do.) But a sincere, heartfelt apology can melt anger, re-establish boundaries, and mend rifts, even if it's delivered later than it should have been.

An adequate apology requires a few key ingredients:

• Taking full responsibility for one's actions, without blaming the other person.

• Expressing remorse for the pain caused.

• Assurances that steps will be taken to prevent the same mistake occurring in the future.

Although these three ingredients are simple, it's surprising how often apologies are mangled because at least one of these key components is missing.

Once the apology is delivered, though, the matter isn't closed. There's the question of forgiveness. It's often difficult to forgive, especially when the pain of the situation is intense, partially because forgiveness often feels like permission: if what happened wasn't okay, does forgiveness mean condoning what was done? For the record, when someone says, "I'm sorry," essentially saying "That's okay," is not the same as saying, "That was an okay thing for you to do; please do it again!" Forgiveness is more about letting go of anger and hurt feelings associated with a situation, which helps the forgiver even more than the forgivee. Forgiveness is something that we do for ourselves as much as for the other person, if not more.

The following forgiveness resources might help you deal with the stress of being 'wronged':

• Benefits of Forgiveness

• How To Forgive

• A New Route To Forgiveness

• Letting Go of Stress and Anger

• Letting Go of a Relationship: When and How

So what might you need to apologize for? What do you think you might need to forgive? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section below.