Jon and Kate: The Stress of Marriage and Children
Last night, it was announced that Jon and Kate, of 'Jon and Kate Plus 8' fame, have decided to call it quits. (If you aren't familiar with the show, here's some background.) Whether or not you've watched the show, chances are you're sick of hearing about these two, and are perhaps even wondering why their lives are considered newsworthy. (I share those sentiments, to a degree.) However, I'm bringing them up because they illuminate an issue that's faced by many, many families--an issue that deserves to be addressed.Although I'm not an avid watcher of the show (I've only seen bits and pieces before tonight), I've seen enough of their dynamic to see some major themes in their relationship. Here's what I think.
The main issue here is marital stress. Virtually every marriage faces its challenges, hence the widespread conclusion that a healthy marriage includes hard work. Just like with individual stress, what can make or break a marriage is the attitude that the couple adopts while dealing with one another and managing their stressors together. Do they have a sense of humor as they approach their obstacles? A sense of optimism? Do they offer support to one another, or do they tear each other down during tough times?
And, most telling, do they use healthy communication techniques, and treat one another with respect? This is key. Several years ago, researcher John Gottman and his team discovered that they could predict (with a high degree of accuracy) which newlywed couples would stay together and which would go on to divorce, simply by observing a few minutes of their interactions with one another! What they noticed was contempt: did one or both partners treat each other with contempt when there was a disagreement, or were they able to respectfully disagree and work out their differences with love? A familiar negative pattern of a doomed relationship was a wife who was overly critical of her husband, and a husband who stonewalled his wife, basically shutting down emotionally. (Not surprisingly, this sounds like Jon and Kate.) These couples did not fare well.
Another factor that I see affecting Jon and Kate is their status as parents. The pressure of raising 8 children within a 3-year age span is enormous, but even one child puts additional pressure on a relationship. (See this article on parents and stress.) The advent of children can change a relationship because it usually alters the roles within the partnership--now couples must navigate completely new obstacles (keeping up with the myriad needs of little ones), which changes the way they are able to relate to one another. Simply put, the level of responsibility and the number of things on which a couple may disagree can skyrocket, while the amount of time they can spend together bonding as a couple diminishes. (For more, see this article on parenting stress.) Add in a television show and the paparazzi, and you have the challenging world of Jon and Kate.
A third factor that I see with Jon and Kate, that I think many couples share, is a lack of hope. Here are some quotes from last night's show:
Jon: "Kate and I have decided to separate. It's just not good for our kids to be arguing in front of our kids."
Kate: "I'm not very fond of the idea, personally. But I know it's necessary because my goal is peace for the kids."
They know that their constant conflict isn't good for them or their children, and they're right. (See this article on the toll of conflict.) But they think that their only two options are to live in an increasingly conflicted marriage, or to divorce, forever giving up on the possibility of an intact, reasonably happy home. They don't see that it might be possible to learn new ways of communicating with one another, to change their expectations within the marriage, and to create a different dynamic that includes time spend together as a couple, mutual respect, and forgiveness. (Yes, I do think it's possible!) Given the stress of divorce, this may be worth fighting for. (I'm not saying that divorce is never appropriate, but in the case of this couple, I think some counseling--if they faced it with real determination to build a better marriage--could potentially bring them the peace their family needs.)
What do you think about the situation that Jon and Kate face? What advice would you give them?
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I HAVE been watching them for a long time. While Kate was ocd and hypercritical she tended to make a joke of it and the more she did, the more resentful Jon got. I have a strong feeling that she became completely non-supportive of Jon demanding that he help her but not vice versa. I believe Jons little “affair” was in the way of getting sympathy and support. Also, the show needed a kick in the butt and this is what they are using this for. I think when Kate was at the beach with the kids her behavior was totally inappropriate. She seemd to be playing to the audience rather than really paying attention to the kids. I have a friend that sometimes wants to come over and visit me, even when he has his son on Weekends, He says, Oh, i can run over there and he’ll still be watching TV when I come back! No matter what, leaving a child alone is a crime and i don’t care what is going on. I just tell him we talk on the phone and I don’t want to see him if he does that. It really bothers me. Kate turned Mattie and her twin into little workers, and I don’t see that she needed so much help if she would have disciplined them properly.
I’m guessing that there is something outside of their marriage together that is “shining brighter” than the possibility of reconciliation. I don’t know what their financial status is as a result of being celebrities, however it wouldn’t be a surprise if the lure to experience “greener grass” in the form of another mate, or a more carefree lifestyle wasn’t clouding out the obvious point that Elizabeth made:the marriage isn’t hopeless. I agree that counselling is needed, but I would suggest a couple of other things. 1)Shut the cameras off this is getting ugly. 2) Someone needs to study whether or not these kids are being harmed by their lives being placed in the public eye. This may just be the beginning of a television social-experiment/entertainment gone tragically wrong.
I believe the over critical wife and the stonewalling husband plays out in a lot of marriages. The wife gets critical and when she wants to talk he stonewalls and then she justs gets more critical. Some one has to stop the vicious cycle. Take some time when all is calm. Try to talk about what is bothering her and maybe he will listen rather than feeling attacked. If this does not work get outside help.
I believe is marriage, but like anything you
do in life you have to work at it. These two
seemed to give up. I understand Kate taking
the control, Jon seems lazy about life. She is a go getter with goals. Its interesting that with
money its easier to split up, to me it should have made it easier to get help and work on their relationship. No matter what no one deserves to be cheated on , when your trust is gone, it is really hard to regain….I must say in divorce of course the adults always do better, its always the kids and I must say these two planned to have these children, they had to go to extra lengths to have them, let me ask them this, why don;t you go to extra lengths to save your marriage. This is the down fall of families in America, gets to hard I am just going to quit….I am praying for the kids…and please don;t tell me your going to show us on TV how your going to tell them…I am so sad and disgusted.
I wonder if it’s not irreparable at this point, though. I know that sometimes one partner simply learns that s/he has lost respect for the other. And, no matter what might happen, or how they might learn communication skills, the one partner cannot learn to respect again once it’s lost. Maybe initially they were attracted to those qualities and then decided they couldn’t bear it in reality; called ‘fatal attractions’ in social psychology; e.g., “laid back” becomes “lazy” in marriage. And, of course the issue of trust (not about alleged infidelity)… once some people learn they can’t depend on you, or they feel they can’t be vulnerable around you, it’s very difficult and time-consuming to rebuild trust.
Some may consider this insensitive but I’m a bit tired of hearing about all this stress that everyone in the modern world just can’t get a handle on. This isn’t a knocking of this fine blog (you have some great content) but rather an observation about the weakness of most people.
A little stress is what makes life worthwhile. And the better we want our lives, i.e. the more money, bigger homes, bigger families, etc. the more stress we’ll NATURALLY and OBVIOUSLY have.
The problem, in my humble opinion, is that many people in the mainstream have this ludicrous idea of arriving. In other words people have these 2-dimensional goals regarding how their lives should look, and hey once they get there all will be rosie.
It’s asinine claptrap.
Life is motion of a constant nature and we never “get there”. I wonder how things would look if people like John & Kate (never seen the show and totally don’t get reality TV) would have a go at being grateful for all the chaos of their small tribe and accept that indeed THEY ASKED FOR IT.
Crybabies. Crybabies. Crybabies.
The most “Stressed out” people in the world all seem to live in countries with running water and standards of living that well exceed most other states on the planet. Does that seem a little perverse to anyone else.
Anyway thanks for letting me rant and thanks also for the fine articles on this blog.
Possible to save this marriage?
Certainly possible but both parties have to WANT to save the marriage.
I have only watched part of three shows so I am no expert on all that has occurred throughout this show. I will admit that I found Kate to be hypercritical and appeared to be quite lazy. BTW I am a very independent woman who does most of the work at home, including almost all home repairs. When our children were little I would sometimes meet my husband at the door when he arrived home from work and take off for a couple of hours. Not to get my hair done or anything lavish, just to spend time alone.
It seems that each of the parties in this situation have felt trapped and have not been willing to look at their own failures when it comes to the marriage.
Whatever happens in regard to this marriage, I hope that they each get some counseling before they become entangled in yet another relationship that will be doomed to failure.
It’s difficult for any of us to admit that we have faults but it is important to recognize our faults and work to improve ourselves.
We can’t change others, we can only change ourselves and our reactions to others.
Blessings!