Rejection Risk Awareness Week is from February 7-14 this year.
Why am I bringing this to your attention? Relationship stress can affect you physically and emotionally. The part of the brain that experiences rejection and social exclusion is actually the part that also processes physical pain, meaning that rejection can literally be painful. (Anyone who has had their heart broken can attest that you can get a dull ache in your chest, feel a heavy weight on your shoulders, or otherwise experience it in your body.) Being rejected by a significant other, potential date, or group of friends can also trigger your stress response and continually trigger it as you encounter things that remind you of the person who rejected you, and as you move through the pain and into acceptance.
Because all of this can take a real toll on your body, it's important not only to be aware of the risk of rejection, but to have stress relievers on hand to help you avoid the damage that can come from chronic stress. (And since this is a stress management website, we'll focus mostly on the stress relief component.) Whether you're dealing with the risk of rejection from a romantic partner, a group, an institution (losing your job can feel like rejection, and have many of the same effects), many of the same coping tactics apply:
- Be Kind To Yourself
Accept that your pain is real, and give yourself permission to feel that pain for a little while. Don't push yourself to 'get over it' right away; it's okay for you to feel a sense of loss. - Accept and Experience Your Feelings
Accepting and processing your feelings can help you move past them more easily and in a healthy way. If you avoid or deny what you're feeling, you may find yourself not fully getting past them, or even experiencing physical symptoms later. Journaling about your feelings can help with this, as can developing your capacity for mindfulness. - Surround Yourself With Supportive Friends
It's okay to lean on other people during challenging times; that's what friends are for! If you've been rejected by a love interest, let your friends take you out and cheer you up; if you've lost a job, you may feel better after discussing your feelings with your significant other; if you're rejected by a friend, take comfort in family or other strong friendships. Social support can be a wonderful salve for emotional stress. - Try A New Healthy Habit
You probably have a few stress management techniques that you already rely on, and I encourage you to continue using them. Difficult times, however, can provide new motivation to find new coping techniques to add to your arsenal. Try a new exercise class or activity, and benefit from the endorphins, social support and distraction. Try a new meditation technique and give yourself space from the problem; meditation can also make you less reactive to future stress. Try journaling about your feelings, which, as I mentioned, can help you find new perspective and help you process what you're feeling, and can bring a host of other benefits as well. If you haven't tried these already, try breathing exercises--they can help you reverse your stress response almost immediately, and can be done anywhere.
Like this post? Want to use it to start a discussion with your friends? Pass it on!
Last year (6-08) my husband told me there is someone else that wants to spend time with him. We would have celebrated 17 years of marraige on 11-06-09. We have two AWESOME CHILDREN, AGES 8 AND 4. This Christmas was the most painful. I no longer had the “circle of love.”
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that, Patti! I can only imagine how difficult that must have been, and I know that when children are involved, it’s much more painful. I’d like to commend you on being strong and getting through it.
Is there anything that you found yourself doing to cope that worked especially well for you?
Thanks for sharing your story.
My wife left me a few days ago, and then filed a restraining order against me. Luckily, I have a few very close friends and relatives that have helped me along. I really just miss my kids right now. Thanks for the opportunity to vent a little!
Hey Erik,
You might want to check out http://www.mkp.org. Its an international men’s organization that helps empower men to live more conscious lives. Its also a great organization to be a part of to help you work through anything that might come up along thet way through this process that you are going through. I feel for you brother! As E says, take care of yourself during this time and find some support too!!! So often, men do it on their own and do not reach out….which is not good for their emotional or physcial health. So, be kind to yourself and call your friends, family and/or check out MKP so that you create a supportive environment for yourself.
peace.
Hi Erik,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I can only imagine how difficult it is. I’m glad to hear that you have support in your life (and that you’re taking advantage of it!), and I hope you are able to see your kids soon. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope that our comments are helpful.
You’re right on the mark with your points and suggestions.
Thank you, Sharon!
Hi I have a daughter that is very loving until she find’s a man. She has been married twice and the where both abusive to her. And she had a daughter of her own with the first husband and he didn’t only abuse her but the baby too! I was so sicken by this,two beautiful girls hurt. she stayed with me for eight years and in this time she has been married two years and she cut me off from herself and my beautiful grandaughter that has the key to my heart! Not a phone call nothing.I have lived with this painful deep hurt so alone no one understands my pain, Then to find out she and my grandaughter is being abused again. My health is going down hill. But what has really helped me is the Bible and a journal I have been making for my grandaughter with so much love. My heart is still braking.
Those points that you made are very import. Especially now with people losing their homes, jobs and esteem. It is a proven fact that a loving and supportive family and community will help keep thing together.
Spread the love
Don’t get stressed if you don’t get the promotion that you thought you deserved. It can be difficult to deal with if you feel this way and you feel you have sacrificed a lot. It can be stressful to deal with rejection of that sort.
Hi E,
K so its taken me awhile to get this into writing for you….but I made a promise and I intend to keep it…..
So, exactly one year ago today (and yes I see the irony in this but I suppose that this is likely part of my healing process too)….I was to be married to the woman I felt was the LOVE of my life…..I couldn’t have been any happier. A few months prior, I started a new position in the corporate world making way more $$ than I ever had, my family life was great (or so I thought) and my plans to marry this woman in Kauai were solidified. Our wedding was to be today on Feb 21st one year ago…..however, about 3 week prior,….my fiancee had an “epiphany” during a “energy healing” session with a “healer” and she decided that she no longer wanted to get married. The really crazy thing was that she just picked up her wedding ring that morning and our plans literally had been finalized that morning. She then started to project a whole bunch of BS on to me, saying that I abused her in a past life (yeap you heard me right) and that she is “done” with this karma…..how does one respond to that??? (especially knowing how loving this relationship was, I mean we would spend hours, days together just BEING together)
Within 2 weeks she had moved out, the wedding cancelled and me in a spiralling dark hole that left me feeling angry, disillusioned, grief, lonely, rejected, etc,….. she said we were not to see each other for 3-6 months for space. 6 weeks after her decision, she calls me up (and admits her fear of abandonment though ironically she abandoned me) and slowly we start seeing each other again for a couple months not sure where it was going just taking things one step at a time, then she goes to Hawaii for 3 months last summer (only stayed for 2) and I visit her there for a week…and we have a really loving connected experience together….but again she says that our relationship is over…..then she comes back a month earlier than expected and we get entangled yet again….yes I am aware of my lack of healthy boundaries in this….she only came to me when she needed something from me…..and I would fill her up again and she would walk away…..anyways to make a long story short, she THINKS that she is suppose to meet someone else that she can have a more conscious child with, doesn’t feel that she can be in a monogamous committed relationship and that she feels that polyamoury is more her “thing”…..and if that isn’t messed up,….she is a counsellor!!! In all honesty, as much as I love this woman (and still do), she really should not be counselling couples on relationship issues….anyways I digress and withdraw my judgements.(although I do have concern about her mental stability)
So, for months I looked to my family, friends and men’s group to help me process through all the emotions that I was feeling (betrayal was a big one that I felt also)….very difficult to even describe exactly how I felt as I am not sure if you have ever truly loved someone 100% and had the rug pulled out from underneath you. So, how did I deal with this rejection? Alot of work!!! I continued with my meditation and yoga practice, I started working with another company in a field that I was new to, I went to Mexico for a week, big island in Hawaii (albeit to see her) for a week and in October, I moved to Maui for 6 months…. Here I continue to take care of myself, I eat well (raw food vegetarian diet), exercise alot (jogging, yoga, kiteboarding…well learning to kiteboard, and lots of hiking), sleep well and I am living alone in the jungle enjoying the comfort of working from home surrounded by fruit trees galore!! In a way, this woman (despite all the pain I had to go through to get here) has done me a HUGE favour….I am happier now than I have been in a long time because I started living my life for me again and I now see that I wasn’t doing that during the past 10 years of my life in 2 unhealthy relationships. So many people always say “one day”, “one day I will…..” instead of living life NOW!!! Why wait?!!! The mind will give 10000000 reasons why….but the mind KNOWS not that which the HEART does….which is why most people live in suffering. MY life now is a blank slate once again and I am feeling the aliveness again of the unknown…the mystery of life….I will be coming back to the mainland in April…then who knows….life happens when we’re busy planning it….
So, now you know the human side of me…….thank you for providing me this means to which I can express myself and let go even more…surrendering to the unknown…opening my heart yet again to the unlimited potential of spirit. Tears of joy, sorrow and gratitude fill my eyes this very moment….
So, whoever reads this and you’ve been rejected, get out there, seek support, do new things, venture to new places, love yourself and live your life for you again!! You’ll be glad that you did because it beats sitting inside feeling sorry for yourself…missing out on all that life has to offer!!!
Now enough of this computer stuff…off to the beach!
BTW, I forgot to mention that accepting our feelings is the first step in transforming them….sadness, anger, all our feelings can be our best friends if we let them….they teach something about ourselves and that is all good…so don’t get identified with them….just allow them to be there and eventually they too will pass as all things are impermanent….
Wow. Thank you so much for posting this. Your story, with your commentary on it, will help a lot of people! Enjoy your beautiful day!
Well E, it is what it is…. thank you for providing the venue for me to express it.
Be well and create a funfilled weekend also!
Catch ya on monday…looking forward to the next article…..
i asked this girl out that i was 100% sure liked me but its Like she doesn’t care anymore about me. all im doing to try to move on is listening to music and trying to calm down, but it hurts